Friday, May 27, 2011

It was over before it started...

I'm going to talk about something today that I never thought I would open up about on the Internet, but I opened up with an IRL friend recently and it has really helped me deal. I've also seen some of my friends share their troubles online and it seems to have helped them. So I'm giving it a shot.

Last July at my complete physical I spoke to my physician about trying to have a child. She informed me that with having PCOS it would be tough and may take a while, but there are options and things to try. I liked that she was honest with me so we knew what to expect. My husband and I started on what might be a long journey. We still feel (and are!) young so we told ourselves we weren't in any hurry but would take a child when God blessed us with one.

Fast forward to March; Josue and I were still wanting to trust God's timing but we were also realizing the reality of how hard this was going to be. I had an ultrasound to take a look at my uterus & ovaries and found that I had quite a bit of cysts. So my Doctor decided to put me on a medication called Metformin. Traditionally this medication is for diabetics but for some reason having to do with insulin it seems to help patients with PCOS as well. It seems to be working well, I've lost 12 pounds and ovulated right away!

Now this next part is something I haven't shared with anyone not even my closest friends or family, only Josue and I know. As much as I love my Mother and usually share everything with her I'm glad she doesn't read this blog, she doesn't exactly support our decision to start a family "so soon" and I know she would be sad to hear this. (Mom if you ever do read this I know you love me, and would be very happy to have your first grandchild. I love you!). So anyway back to my story... On Sunday April 10th I decided just for fun to take a pregnancy test, I thought there would be no way that it would be positive but since I was 15 days past my first (metformin) cycle I would just try it. I couldn't believe my was positive! Just to be sure I used a digital to confirm and it was also 'pregnant'

I had this gift all wrapped up and ready to go to give to Josue for just this moment. (It is a box with a baby blanket and an I love you Daddy T-Shirt) I didn't even get a chance to give it to him cause I came bouncing out of the bathroom with the pee stick! We were both so happy, anxious. and scared all at once!

It wasn't even 48 hours later when I woke up bleeding, I knew it in my heart that it was over, over before I even let myself tell anyone, over before we even got to be truly happy about it, just over! I had what we call in the medical world a Chemical Pregnancy. Being a nurse I knew what it was, I think that made me feel a little bit better about the whole thing. The baby didn't even have a heartbeat yet, and if I'm being honest it wasn't even a baby yet. If I hadn't been checking I wouldn't even had know I was ever pregnant and just had thought I go my period. I was sad, hurt, and angry all at once. Why wasn't I able to hold on to my baby? What was wrong with me? I was almost embarrassed to tell Josue. He is such a wonderful man though. He told me it wasn't my fault (which was exactly what I needed to hear) he held me and just let me cry. I know he was sad too, but he was strong and told me we always had another chance. I now try to look at it as positively as possible and try to realize it wasn't our time, God has different plans for us. It was hard but we have started again, and as always we hope for the best.

A friend of mine posted this picture on her blog, and I just loved it!

I think I may continue to share how I/we are feeling and dealing with trying to start a family. It hasn't yet been a year yet that we started this journey, and I know that other's have had far more struggle and I hope that my blog doesn't offend anyone. For now I just know that we are taking it day by day, trying to stay as positive as possible and know that God has a plan for us.

The friends that I mentioned before that have opened up online about similar issues are an inspiration to me. Not that I could ever imagine having to go through some of their losses, or that I could fully understand the others that are trying to get pregnant, but that I was inspired to share my struggle to get pregnant because their blog entries meant so much to me.


  1. Oh Ella....I'm so sorry to hear that this happened. =( I still lurk on TTGP, but haven't seen you post much lately. Your time will come my dear & the next one will be your take home baby.

  2. I just love you so much and your super sweet and kind spirit and positive attitude. When you get your forever baby, that is seriously going to be one lucky kid!! I felt some of the very same emotions you did and if I could reach through this computer and hug you, I would. I'm excited for your journey into pregnancy and mommy-hood. I know it's around the corner for you!!