Monday, July 16, 2012

The dreaded 2 year post

Well I was really hoping to not have to write this post, and there was a time recently when I didn't think I would have to. But alas the time has come.
Well folks it has been two years since we started trying to conceive. Two years of temping, and testing, PNVs, and blogging, and chatting, and "just relaxing" Yup, I feel like we've tried every trick in the book. Having a child doesn't come easy for everyone and we know all too well about this. We've heard it all from friends and family, and even though we appreciate the sentiment sometimes it's just hard. Through this process I've tried to stay positive and recently we decided to just let go. I have had a lot of "hard" days but through it all I've had God, my husband, and my friends at my side.
Are we trying too hard, not hard enough, not doing enough, not ready enough, not good enough? These are the questions I find that I'm asking myself along with why me!? Well I don't know the answers to these questions, and maybe I never will. I'm learning that even though it's not who I am it's okay to be angry, and even though I may be a Christian woman, it's okay to not understand His plan. Just that I need to keep the faith, and keep moving forward.
What's the next step for us you ask? Well that's where we are at now, trying to decide just that. We'd like to buy a house soon, and we've been saving for it. But if we do IVF we cannot afford a down payment. I hate that it feels like we need to choose between a better place to live and the chance of having a baby. But that is what it boils down to for us. So we are still in limbo. We will still be actively trying on our own and using some natural supplements & accupuncture. But for now expensive treatments are on hold until we can make these big decisions.

A Sentiment, that is all too easy to forget.