Photo Credit: Stacy Lynn Baum
On Friday I had my annual physical and pap appointment with my primary Doctor. We went over lab work, my recent weight loss, and of course the fact that J and I have been trying to get pregnant for 16 months, with one loss under our belt. At the end of our talk my Doctor handed me a persciption for J's Semen Analysis and she thought a sonohystogram would be beneficial for me. I took the Rx, thanked her and went on my way. When I got in my car I took a look at the Rx that she gave me while I sat in my car and there is was in the right hand corner Dx: Infertility. I'm not sure why I got so upset because I've tried my hardest to stay strong and positive. We knew at the beginning of this journey that it would be long, I thought I prepared myself for this. I know what I've been diagnosed with it, but seeing it there in black in white made me sad. I started crying, and not just a few tears but actual full blown ugly crying. I really hope no one saw me, because I probably would have freaked them out. I realize that we are not the only ones going through this, but at that moment I felt selfish, angry, and hurt all at once. I was in need of a reality check!
I've had sometime to think about it and that isn't me I'm not an angry or selfish person. I'm still allowing myself to be hurt because that is only natural, but I've decided to have hope & faith again. My body may be broken, but I'm not unfixable. I have support in my husband, and my friends. Even my Mom is there for me to vent or cry to now. I'm glad I have places to go and not feel judged, but loved. I have hope that one day we will have our take home baby.
Daniella, I just realized your blog address got switched over. I lost you for a while there. I've been reading your past entries and appreciate your courage and bravery to share and be bold and willing to talk about it. I appreciated reading all or your experiences and advice. We haven't started trying for kids yet, but will be soon and all the waiting has really made me worried about how much longer I may have to wait. I pray you will have your moment soon. All in God's timing though. Thinking of you. Your old Girl Scout friend, Amy.
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